


Building You Up

by Nepetaz



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Knights of he Old Republic II: The Sith Lords, Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Atton gets to talk about his feelings then gets told he's a good boy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Kissing, Lightsabers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:33:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21881035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nepetaz/pseuds/Nepetaz
Summary: Atton and Rena build Atton’s first lightsaber. And by build I mean talk about their feelings for 80% of this.
Relationships: Female Jedi Exile/Atton "Jaq" Rand, The Jedi Exile/Atton "Jaq" Rand
Comments: 2
Kudos: 42





	Building You Up

**Author's Note:**

> Good fuck nothing I write for these two can ever be remotely chill

Atton had never felt such a surge of nervous emotions before. Nar Shaddaa brought out so much between him and Rena, about who they are and what they;ve done. After escaping from Goto’s ship and meeting Zez Kai Ell, the crew dispersed into their corners of the Ebon Hawk to recover. Atton quietly slipped into the cockpit alone. Exhausted, he let himself sink into the pilot’s seat for a few minutes of uncomfortable sleep. 

The door hissed open because of course he couldn’t get a second alone, he should have expected that. What he wasn’t expecting was Rena walking past him and disabling the console buttons before sitting on it, staring back at him. He raised an eyebrow at her. The last time they were alone together they had been shouting at each other about the Mandalorian wars, about each of their pasts, about trust; he didn’t have the energy to fight again. Rena sighed, just as tired as he was. She looked down then back up at him.

“Talk to me.”

Three words from her and that’s all it took. His mouth moved faster than his brain, and the past began spilling out. What he’d done, what he’d felt, what he’d regretted. The Jedi that had shown him the force in his head and how he killed her for it. How cowardly he felt as he ran from everything he once stood for in the name of self-preservation. He told her how he buried the force in his mind, fearing what it could do to him. He expected her to scoff; tell him how childish and weak he was for throwing away a tool that she was so skilled in. He looked at her and saw nothing but tenderness and empathy in her eyes. He felt unworthy but loved her for it all the same.

“ _Train me. Please._ ” He said it without even thinking. “ _I’m not afraid anymore, not afraid of who I’ll become._ ” A lie. He knew it but Atton couldn’t help himself. It felt like the room froze, tension blanketing the both of them. His brain kicked into overdrive, scolding himself for even suggesting that. Sure she was training the others but they had good reason to learn the force. He was an untrustworthy murderer who didn’t deserve to even be considered fo-

“Okay.”

_Wait what?_

_~~~_

That was how he found himself in the garage of the Ebon hawk. She insisted that they do this late into the night for privacy sake, as much privacy one could get with three droids awake 24/7 and a crew that was far too nosey for their own good. He sat against the wall looking over the metal parts lain in front of him. Atton had never been incredibly savvy with engineering but he could pick out a few parts across the pile that he recognized, vaguely knowing how they fit into lightsabers. Rena sat next to him, glancing at him every few seconds.

Atton looked back at her, “Building a lightsaber isn’t what I expected my first lesson to be like.”

“Why’s that?” She asked.

“From what I know, Jedi don’t build their lightsabers until years into their training, and there’s a whole ritual for it.”

Rena scoffed. “You aren’t wrong but I am much more practical than most Jedi and we don’t have years. Plus the whole ‘ritual’ is bland to me so you would _really_ hate it.”

“Lots of meditating?”

“ _Lots_ of meditating.”

Atton smirked. He could barely sit still for a few minutes now, let alone hours. He looked over the pieces laid in front of him again, thinking far too much. He remembered when Rena built her lightsaber back on Dantooine with Bao-Dur; the both of them pouring over scraps of metal found abandoned in the ruins of the Jedi enclave. He spent a lot of late nights watching them burn themselves when the saber short-circuited or the crystal wasn’t fully aligned. They did get her saber working in the end; and it was one of the first times he saw her genuinely happy. It was a small triumph after waves of fighting, running, and losing, and he remembered it fondly. He wondered if he really was capable of this, of getting to that point.

Rena poked him in the side, he lightly smacked her hand away. “You’re stalling.” She teased.

“Not stalling, you ass, just thinking.”

“First time for everything.” She joked back. Her hand stroked up his back to his shoulder, grounding him. “Talk to me Atton.”

He grumbled. “You really like me talking, huh?”

“I like hearing your voice. And you were very talkative the last time I asked you to stay up late with me.” Her hand stroked up and down his back again.

He felt his face heat up. _Stars why does she have to be so direct? “_ I just....don’t know. I don’t know how to start.”

“How to start building?”

“How to start with any of this training.”

Rena looked at him, hand still on his back. “You don’t feel ready.” It was a statement but she said it like a question. She was far too good at reading him, especially when he didn’t want her to. “Why?” She asked.

“I just...I don’t...ugh.” It was easier to talk about this when emotions were high. He could just let everything spill out without thinking; now he had to actually figure out what he was saying. “I don’t know if this is right for me. I’ve told you my feelings about Jedi. They lie, they’re selfish and hide that behind thinly veiled charity. I’ve done…horrible things. I feel like I could fall down that same path; that if I do become a Jedi, I could be even worse. ” He felt his self-loathing come back in full swing. 

Rena look both of his hands into her own. His first instinct was to pull away but he choked that down; sighing through his nose.

“Atton I’m not training you to be a Jedi.” 

He swung his head around so fast he thought he’d break his neck. “So...we’re just building a lightsaber for funsies? Did you lie to me?” He began to pull away but Rena held him firmly by the hands. 

“No Atton, I didn’t lie to you. I am going to train you, but not to be a Jedi.” She stroked her thumb over his hands as she spoke. “I think you’re right about the Jedi. Completely.” That wasn’t the answer he was expecting. At all.

She continued before he could question her further. “The reason the Mandalorian war was so devastating was because of Jedi indifference, the reason that I don’t know why I was exiled is because of Jedi secrets, the reason the galaxy is in shambles now is because they became so dependent on the Jedi that they can’t function without them. The Jedi stood on a pedestal they didn’t deserve and fell hard for no reason other than their own flaws. They thought themselves the heroes of the galaxy and blocked out anyone who said otherwise. They got what they deserved.” 

He could feel Rena’s rage begin to build. She very rarely bore her scars openly, and Atton often forgot how much hell she had been through from all different sides of the galaxy. He squeezed their hands. She smiled at him, a very tight smile. One of someone pushing past pain instead of facing it.

She took a slow breath, calming herself down again before speaking again. “The Jedi have their flaws and I don’t intend to pass them on to you. You have done one thing that none of the Jedi Council has, and that is admit your mistakes. You have the willpower that none of them do to look back at your past and know that there were things you did wrong."

"How many murderers and torturers did the Jedi have among them?" He still felt unworthy.

"More than they let on, I assure you.” Her eyes had a glimpse of first-hand experience, empty for a moment before focusing again. She had as many walls as he did. He knew of Revan, Malachor, and bits of her exile but even if she was a former Jedi she still _was_ a Jedi. He still expected her to be on their side...at least partially.

“You saw them in the Civil war,” She continued. “The people that reveled in displays of power; that used the Jedi name to benefit themselves alone. It was so easy to let their actions slide because they’re ‘Jedi’. ‘Jedi are always the good guys.’” She sighed through her nose. “I’m going to train you to use the force, but also to be better than them. Better than what they let themselves become.”

For once Atton didn’t know what to say. Rena was always an intense person, and it was hard to bare this without making a sarcastic comment or joke. He swallowed down his instincts, he wanted to take this seriously. For her.

She squeezed his hands. "I know this conversation has just been a 'shit on the Jedi' rant..."

"We need a healthy dose every now and again."

"Right.” She deadpanned. "But what I'm trying to tell you is that you are not wholly defined by your past. It is a significant part of you but I believe that what you strive to do now, because of your past is what makes a person. You are ready for this. I promise. You are doing what is right for the galaxy in the best way that you can.”

“My best isn’t that great.”

“Your best is enough for me.” And dammit if that wasn’t all he wanted out of life. To be good enough for her.

Rena raised her hands to cradle his face. Looking directly into his eyes. “And whatever happens, however you change and develop on this path, I will be right beside you."

Atton closed his eyes, letting himself be lost in her embrace. Her words slowly sinking in. He didn’t know how much of what she said he truly believed, about how he was doing the right thing, but he wanted to try. For her if nothing else. She pulled him closer into a proper hug. Her taller, more muscular frame enveloping him completely, he buried his head into the crook of her neck and inhaled deeply.

She held him for a while, stroking his back ever so slowly. After a bit she turned her head toward him planting a kiss onto his temple. Then his cheek, his nose, his forehead, eyes, until there wasn’t a spot un-kissed on his face.

He laughed at her. “Good thing you don’t use a blaster, your aim is terrible.” He grabbed the front of her shirt and pulled her close, kissing her properly. He felt her smile into the kiss and slip her tongue against his.

Kisses between them were often like a dance, Atton doing his best to get a rise out of her and Rena responding in kind, but this one was different. Softer. Nothing to display between them but pure affection for one another. Atton pulled back to breathe and Rena followed him, a few small pecks then diving back into a full kiss. He felt overwhelmed in the best way possible, tilting his head back up to meet up fully as she leaned over him. He could die happily right now. He could also live happier getting to feel her lips slide against his every day, which felt like the better choice in his mind.

They both pulled back after a while, Rena not letting him go without a few more nips. Atton exhaled slowly, slowing his breathing down. “So this lightsaber building work has been pretty fun so far, huh?”

Rena threw an emitter at his chest in response, laughing. He would never get tired of that sound.

Over the next few hours they build his saber. Piece by piece she showed him how each connected and worked together to get a full understanding of his saber. His parts were flashy, a single blade with the emitter engraved with flowing lines and the grip having geometric patterns etched into the rubber. Rena showed him how to fully take it apart and put it back together multiple times, then having him show it to her. After hours of work he knew the saber better than the blaster at his side. He knew that he would still keep a blaster on him along with the saber; as well as the small vibroblade hidden in his boot. The lightsaber wouldn’t be the ultimate weapon for every encounter but it will be damn good for most of them.

His lightsaber lay in front of him on the floor in two pieces. Only one part missing. Rena reached out with the force and levitated a cardboard box over. Even being barely skilled in the force, Atton could feel the pull of what was inside the box. Crystals.

“Reaching into a grab-bag full of crystals. How unceremoniously appropriate for us.” He snorted.

“We could make an entire trip to Dantooine if you want.” She snarked back. “You get to wear padawan robes much too small for you and fight off a group of kinrath alone in a dark cave.”

“Or you could just dump the box over my head and whichever crystal I catch I keep.”

Rena laughed. “That’s not too far off from what we’re doing.” She brought the box over in front of both of them, but pointedly not letting Atton look inside. “The point of lightsaber crystals is that there’s a connection between the wielder and the saber. What I want you to do is feel for which crystal is calling to you.”

“That sounds hard and stupid.”

“It is! You’re still going to do it.” She opened the box fully and set it down in front of him. A handful of crystals of all different colors rest inside. She must have been stocking up since she built her own saber. He knows he saw her buy a crystal a few days ago from a Rodian on Nar Shaddaa.

Rena cleared her throat as obnoxiously as she could. Atton rolled her eyes and sat up straight. People closed their eyes when using the force right? He felt like he should close his eyes so he did, taking another breath. He was supposed to feel….something. He felt Rena staring at him openly. If this was how meditation training was going to go he was going to struggle.

He forgot how well-trained Rena was with the force. Either that or the fact that she can read him so well. “Don’t focus on _me,_ focus on the box. Just search for something. Any little bit of energy you can feel that stands out.”

He turned his focus back in front of him. He could feel the energy that radiated from each crystal in the box; all felt different in small ways but all were relatively the same. He sat for what felt like an eternity, waiting for a sign.

 _There it was_. A small tug. The upper right corner of the box felt just a bit more strongly than anything else and he hoped that was what he was supposed to be looking for. It felt like it was looking for him too. He reached out with his hand, eyes still closed, and pulled the energy towards him with the force. It was shaky and he slipped up a few times, but the crystal made his way into his hand. It felt bright, and warm and he promptly lost his grip and dropped it onto the floor.

Rena laughed, cackled more like. Atton opened his eyes to scowl in her direction. He looked down at the crystal, still intact thank fuck, and bright yellow energy streaming off directly back at him. He grabbed it rolling it through his hand and smiled. Rena nodded at him and then towards the saber parts on the floor.

Atton put the crystal in, like she showed him, and clicked the two parts together. The crystal didn’t weigh much but the saber felt more prominent now. Solid, comfortable. He ignited the saber, _his saber_ , for the first time. The blade shot out with an electric buzz and force energy coursing through the entire lightsaber glowing bright yellow.

Rena’s eyes shined with pride, flashing a smile at him. Using the force she stood up fully and stretched her muscles out. She turned to him, pausing for a moment, and stretched out her hand.

“Let’s get started.”

**Author's Note:**

> I aspire to find someone who I can love and devote myself as much as Atton adores the exile
> 
> Leave a comment or talk to me on Tumblr @Nepetaz !


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